Dear mama

Dear Mama,

By the time I post this it means you are no longer with us. I have attempted to give you this letter numerous times but always with a nagging hesitation that it might upset you or cause your condition to worsen because of the natural sadness farewell letters bring. Truth is, I just don’t have the guts to have you read this in front of me and not break down to tears. I’m sorry if I haven’t spent more time with you lately mama. I am weak; too weak to see past your aggravated condition. Too weak to talk to you and say the things I’ve always wanted to say- Thanks for making me the man I am today. Thanks for loving Papa unconditionally. Thanks for being the greatest mom. We all agreed not to cry in front of you or show you any form of sadness. Because you have lived a happy perfect life and even in death, we want yours to be perfect.

You have lived full circle Mama. Lately, Papa always seems to reiterate this as a fact. Looking back, Papa couldn’t have been more right. You’ve given so much of yourself to us and to the people who care about you. After retiring from the bank where you had devoted 28 years of your life, serving the Lord seems the next normal thing for you to do. All this while making sure our little home and family is intact and all present for brunch every Sunday. As promised, we will continue this weekly tradition.

Just before going to the hospital this morning, Papa and I were talking about Murphy’s Law – If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong. I hadn’t really thought about what it meant though I understood what Papa was trying to convey. He was talking about cancer and its unforgiving wrath. This disease that caused you so much pain; this disease that wreaked havoc from the first time you were diagnosed 2 years ago and gradually took everything that crossed its path. If it only had a neck we would have wrung it past consciousness. But no, it is silent and it is deadly- the perfect killing machine. Its hands of destruction coiled around your now frail limbs, laughing in utter satisfaction, seemingly in awe of its power and as if wanting to say in morbid whisper- I won. Death is mine.

It is wrong.

Death can never be successful, because even in pain it has no place- not for the bravest of souls. I want to tell you mama that you’re the bravest person that I know. No disease can ever conquer your soul. In the end…You still won.

Mama I will always love you. Remember how you used to always wake me up at 5am so I can prepare for school? You would knock on my door. But I always beat you to it. That’s because I know when you’re about to knock mama. I can feel you; just like I can feel you until now. I’ll miss how you always took care of me when I was sick; sick at school, sick at work and at one point even sick of life. You pulled me back mama. It was your love that put me back on track.

We’ll miss your chicken pastel this Christmas. I’ll also miss how you always got me out of trouble…financially. I’ll even miss how you constantly nag me to always turn the lights off in every room in our house. You don’t know this, but turning off things, particularly lights, bother me. I hate being in the dark and it has reached a psychological level. I’m not only weak, I can be weird too.

Mama you’re in my heart every time- all the time. On your deathbed I couldn’t say it so I wrote it down-

Thanks for making me the man I am today.
Thanks for loving Papa unconditionally.

Thanks for being the greatest mom.

I love you so much.

You.
Can.
Go.
Now.

You wrote down, slow and weak and almost indecipherable- love you too- Papa, Karen, Karlo, Kat. But your smile and that little tear in your left eye told me everything I needed to hear. Mama, we’re all happy for you. Like you said- No Regrets.

Although you will be missed; for you were always there for us. Ayen was right when she mentioned to me- “You know what Mama’s greatest gift to us- her time.” Mama you were always there in every event of our lives. You gave us all your equal attention. You were always there when we needed you. In fact sometimes, even when we didn’t need you, you were still there… offensively curious and snoopy. Still, unconsciously, we all sought your approval- in everything we did in our lives; only because you were always there for us, with us. Thank you very much mama.

They say that those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day. Unseen, unheard, but always near; still loved, still missed and very dear. We all know this is true.

I know you weren’t joking when you told papa- “Siguro sa dami ng dinaanan kong opersayon.. sa langit ako pupunta?” You’ve always had a spot in heaven mama. Your kindness and generosity guaranteed it.

Take care mama, I love you so so much; I’ll see you soon but you can visit me anytime- like whisper winning lotto numbers or the winner of the next Pacquiao fight. Now with Ayen and Katkat…just give them a good spook ok? Im sure they’ll love it. Heehee..

I guess this is it. We all know you’re happy where you are now. Say hi to Lola and Ninang Girlie for me. And if you run into God, tell him I’ll stay here for a while.
By the way, just so you know, I’m not afraid anymore; because this time—
I’m turning off the lights…

Goodbye Mama. I love you so much.

Your ever loving son,
Kaloyski