My Dirty Little Secret (Part 2)

I have something shocking to admit. Are you sitting down? Brace yourself. Ready? Here goes….

I drank too much yesterday.

Allow me to cut all the introduction crap short and start with the obvious truth. 

I think I was predestined to drink. 

Now let’s proceed with the drinking clichés, the funny quotes, scattered here like I thought of it but obviously didn’t since I’m still too hungover to display any semblance of creativity. 

Call this a memoir. 

The intoxicated kind. 

But first, a brief history. 

I remember the first time I tasted it. I was in fourth grade and there was this party. Papa was drinking too! Laughing with his friends. He was holding a beer and he tossed it to me. I’m sure he thought it was cute, showing off to his friends how manly his son was. 

Wrong move. 

Without hesitation and need for further provocation, I chugged that motherfucker. I remember thinking- that certainly was no grape juice! Bitter and gamey to taste but certainly fun as the floor went spinning from underneath me in mere seconds. In short, I liked it.

Now you might want to know what I usually drink. 

A Lot. 

And how did I get to this point?

It started a couple of months ago. Just a few beers every now and then to help me sleep. Then it went to a few extra beers every other day just to help me sleep. And finally to drinking every day with reckless disregard for quantity control. 

Ahh, just to help me sleep. 

I’ve done quite a few stupid things too along the way! 

One time I forgot to bring my car home! I had a few (Okay, few is an understatement) beers and took the bus going home. I totally forgot I brought my car to work.

That’s the problem with getting wasted. You can’t help but forget things. (Mental note: Do not bring kids with me when drinking.) 

My latest wasted stunt happened a few months ago. I was drunk driving at 3 a.m. and zipped past a paced-down motorcyclist and sent the driver flying through the air. The poor guy landed and cracked my windshield with his trusty helmet and body weight. I had no idea my car was smashed in from the impact.  All I remember during that time was craving longganisa for breakfast. 

I woke up the next day confused. My car looked like it went to battle with a very angry Bruce Banner. It took me a week before I realized what happened. A CCTV capture went viral on Facebook. I was the infamous Ford Fiesta riding drunk (insert asshole) who abandoned a motorcyclist for dead. Luckily, the guy made it. I had to pay six digits worth of damages. I still cry myself to sleep at night.

I’m still depressed and ashamed of what I’ve done. And yet, funny, I’m still drinking. Isn’t it ironic? Probably because in defense of alcohol, I’ve done some pretty shitty things too while sober!

The only amusing thing I associate drinking with is how I burn calories by jogging or going to the gym almost every day. And it’s a cycle of hypocrisy I wish I didn’t have to do anymore. What I’m basically doing is just rationalizing calorie intake and calories burned! In other words- niloloko ko lang yung sarili ko. 

I have been thinking about this a lot. 

Factor in 3 to 4 times a week of cardio and gym, I guess without the booze, I’d be like- Derek Ramsey bod by now. Hmm. At least I still have his good looks. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I go- “Shet kamukha ko si Derek Ramsey!” And sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I go- “Shet si Derek Ramsey kamukha ako!” It’s a lie I tell myself every morning in celebration of my temporary sobriety.

Now before you judge me all you motherfucking banana-peeling, monkey-eating eagle hypocrites, I wasn’t always like this. I used to think drinking was bad for me. So now I just stopped…thinking. Lol! And I know I should drink more responsibly but up until this point, drinking responsibly to me meant not spilling the beer. And with all that drinking, I should probably have at least a healthy lifestyle which I don’t. I can’t even drink eight glasses of water a day! But eight bottles of beer? Hmm. Panis! And when I drink water? My liver acts up! It almost wants to scream and say- “What the fuckin hell was that???” 

Anyway, I bet even you don’t drink eight glasses of water a day. Which kinddaaaaa- makes us even! 

It’s not like I don’t want to change though. I do! I do! I always tell myself I’ll do it tomorrow! But then tomorrow comes and I’m usually still too wasted to remember that I made myself that promise!

So this 2018 I made a resolution. I’m going to stop trying to stop drinking. I won’t defeat this! It’s a disease! I’m going to drink myself sober until my liver calls me on the phone and tells me that she wants to break up with me! 

They say it’s no use crying over spilled milk anyway. Although, I usually cry over spilled beer. Hehe. 

Ahh, beer. I need a beer. Do you want one? I’m going to get myself a beer.

And why not? Im thirsty!

Cheers!!!